Selfishness

For pragmatic reasons, I love the routine. I love the structure of it. I love knowing that my days are free. I know where I'm going at night. I know my life is kind of orderly. I just like that better.
Andrea Martin

I am having a really hard time right now reconciling my need for consistency with my need to keep my family chugging along peacefully and without ripples. Consistency and planning ahead help me maintain this control as well as managing to care for my own physical, emotional and spiritual health. This week a health crisis popped up in our household that has splintered my plans--particularly for that down time. I need to be able to express how that makes me feel without it being taken personally. Selfishness confronted with selfishness is destructive. Right now I don't know how to express how it makes me feel-- I'm sort of frozen by the mix of emotions brought on as I fear for our future and deal with the loss of control of my routine. Instead of being able to say how it makes me feel I just say things like "this wasn't part of my plan..." "I don't want to do this..." etc. It leaves me in a state that makes even cohesive thought difficult. My mind is in 50 places and so focusing on just one is challenging. I'm a wreck and that's that.