I believe in church. I believe in corporate worship and edification. I am part of a vibrant church and I love that relationship.
I work. I work a rotating schedule which means that for about a month at a time I am not able to attend church services. My job is important. I help a lot of people every day. Sometimes my job doesn't feel important. I know that God designed me to do this particular job-- not everyone can, or would want to. Its not a feel good job.
With those details it would be fair to surmise that on a Sunday that I am not working you would be sure to find me at church and for the most part that is true. So why, this week, after teaching my Sunday school class did I cut out to go home with my kids? Is that the example I should be setting for my children? Right now our church is going through a great series about God being in control of our finances. Its a topic I'm really into right now and I'd love to hear the sermon. So why, after teaching Sunday school did I skip church?
I need to take a step back here and talk about some things that have been going on lately. Just be patient here, I think I'll bring it all together in the end.
Yesterday was a challenging day for our family (to say the least). We helped a friend move for many hours and it took a physical toll on my body, but that's okay because I love my friends and I will recover, but I didn't sleep well. Another reason I didn't sleep well is because Richard and I had been at odds all day. I'm not dissing him or criticizing him here so don't make that leap. We all have bad days and yesterday was one for him. He woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just couldn't get it straightened out. It seemed like we were making him mad at the drop of the hat and we didn't really know when that would happen. First thing in the morning the house was too hot (and he seemed to think we did that on purpose) and last thing before he went to bed the microwave was too small (and it seemed like that was my fault too). It was one of those days. It was hard and it was exhausting. When I went to bed last night Richard was already asleep and he didn't wake up when I came to bed. I spent the night thinking he was still mad at me. That makes it hard to rest peacefully.
Zoom out a little further now, so we can get the whole picture. In April we started training at work for our new computer system. We worked 6 days on 2 days off 6 days on 2 days off for two weeks. (Abby still brings that up when she is feeling sad and clingy.) My family missed me and I missed them. Two weeks ago we switched to the new computer system. The first week was actually better than I expected. Yes, the system had issues but I realized that I knew how to do my job, maybe not as fast as I used to, but I could still do it. My four days off fell on a weekend and it was packed with baseball games and other family activities-- all the normal stuff but what my mind body and spirit needed was down time. This week I think everyone expected the problems to be fixed on the new system and for things to be less stressful, but for some reason the stress level at work was jacked up and I internalized it. I felt confident with the system and increased my skill and speed, but I absorbed the stress in the room and internalized it. I spent the last 3 days (of my 4 day work week) feeling fine one minute and then completely nauseated and shaky and feverish the next-- it would come on me randomly and in waves (as if in the first three months of pregnancy but no, I'm not). I didn't go home sick because I sensed that it wasn't a virus it was something else. Guess what, by the time I got home Friday I was feeling better and I haven't felt sick all weekend. It was stress and it did a number on me. It did a number on my family too. Stress is like a weed. It gets into the garden you've carefully cultivated and cared for and it digs its roots in deep.
Abby had a hard week at school. She was tired. We skipped a lot of her baseball games. She was sad at the end of the school day and didn't want to go back to school. She didn't know how to handle kids being unkind or things being hard. This weekend she was clingy and just wanted to be with mama. She was exhausted. She fed on mama's stress.
Richard sometimes doesn't work much. He is part time so he goes in for a standby on his work days (varying times from 0430 am to 2:30 pm) and during that two hour standby he may (or may not) be assigned a run for the day. Some weeks he hardly works. This week wasn't one of them. He had the earliest standbys all week. He also stepped up to take my mom's place ferrying the kids around to games and practices when he wasn't working because she is in a lot of pain and is just getting by right now. Sometimes he wouldn't get home until after nine pm. That is pretty late when you are getting up at 3 or 3:30 in the morning. He is exhausted. He had his own stress and it fed on mine.
John had stress-- he's a teenager. He also was a casualty of the stress weed that infected our house.
Yesterday was my first day off for this week.
Yesterday morning I was wiped out. Breakfast had been a battle and I was just run down. My cousin and her kids were coming over to visit (we adore them), so I asked Abby to vacuum the floor really quickly (its like a sweeper). While she was doing that John came up and said "Mom, would you like me to sweep?" I almost broke into tears. I don't know how things are for your family, maybe your kids are always thoughtful and helpful--mine are not. It grieves me. They are good kids and I adore them. I can tell you why they aren't helpful, but that would distract from the point here. So this simple kindness from my son filled my heart to overflowing. When I'm overwhelmed I cry. Its just the way I'm wired. It isn't about being sad. Sometimes God gives us tears to wash force a release of the stress and the fatigue and all the other garbage that I've taken in at work or created in my own life. I thank God for tears. I just like to keep them to myself.
When I'm run down I wear my emotions on my sleeve. You are as likely to be greeted with laughter as you are with impatience or tears. Yesterday afternoon I ran into a friend. She loves me. She is an older woman and a mentor and a good friend. She asked how I had been doing. I wanted to be positive even though I wasn't feeling it. I decided I would tell her about the nice thing John had done and how meaningful that one thing had been. I started to cry. I was overwhelmed and that was okay with her. Thank you for listening and for caring. God put you there when I needed you.
Today in Sunday school I talked with the kids about worshiping God and the different ways we do that. We sang songs and marched around playing rather noisy instruments, we made a big mess cutting up paper and pictures and gluing them together to worship God by artistically depicting the things we love about him (one kid chose planets and lightning to show how big and powerful God is), and we talked about Mary and Martha and how they showed their love to Jesus. Mary by fixing a yummy dinner (probably his favorite foods) and cleaning the house and making it comfortable for His visit. Martha by sitting with Jesus and washing the dirt off of his (probably stinky) feet with a nice smelling perfume and then sitting and talking to Him and just enjoying His presence.
I came home with the kids. We made chai tea lattes (John had never enjoyed one)-- we made them super sweet and we piled on whipped cream and topped them with nutmeg (John's idea). Abby made popcorn. John told me about the sermon and we talked about money and God and what we're doing in our family to make sure we're honoring God with our money and resources. We watched John play Mario Kart and I listened to him singing along to some of his favorite music. I heard him singing about how real God is to Him. I watched Abby enjoying her brother and just being home and relaxed. They were happy and it made my heart glad.
Today I worshiped God with my children. We cared for our hearts and our minds and our spirits so that they could be restored by God's hand. We had a day of rest. We retreated to a quiet place (hmmm, its not really quiet, but its Quiet). Sometimes church happens outside the building.
(Besides, If I had gone to church I would have cried not for any reason, I just would have and it would have distracted you trying to figure out why I was crying over a sermon on money and budgeting. You might have spent time jumping to conclusions about my financial distress and missed the point of the sermon. Its nice to know you would have cared though.)
Today I skipped church. I skipped the building, I skipped the beautiful and invigorating music. I skipped the message God brought through his servant. I skipped handshakes and hugs and my friends. I didn't skip God. If I had gone to church it would have only been for appearances sake because I think you expect me to be there. How is that for hypocrisy. I think I honored Him by caring for my family. I worshiped Him as I enjoyed listening to my children sounding free from stress for the first time in weeks. I worshiped Him by taking time to listen to my teenager tell me about God. I worshiped him by hearing and seeing and being with my children.
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