First, I am happy with myself. I am not sure how to express this thought yet. Still working on it, but essentially I have decided to stop striving to meet the standards and expectations of our society. I tire of squeezing myself into an appearance box. I am tired of the disdain that people pour on their brothers and sisters who are heftier in stature. I am disturbed by the obsession that I see in the church on weight, on fitness --things I associate very closely with the world view of well... the world. If I truly believe that God looks not on the outward appearance of man, but on the heart than I should spend a great deal more time and energy maintaining my spiritual and emotional life. I still believe in caring for the shell God has created for my spirit, but I have rejected the idea that I need to make that shell conform to the standards of this world. If I truly believe that God created each of us different and beautiful shouldn't I trust that? Very few people in my family comply to the weight standards set by the chart at the doctor's office and yet they have all been hard workers, not lazy sloths. Perhaps God created our family to carry more weight. Just sharing these thoughts though causes me sadness because I anticipate the disapproval--shown by looks of pity should I mention them to anyone in the church. "Oh", they will say to themselves. "She has given up. She must be depressed. It is so sad that she doesn't care for the body that God gave her. I should pray for her." I still believe in self-control in all aspects of life. I believe I should be conscious of what I put in my body & make the healthiest choices that I can, but I also believe that God wants us to LIVE. I believe that he wants us to be looking outside of ourselves ALWAYS. I believe that we should be more focused on advancing his kingdom than on advancing our esteem in the eyes of the world--even where the world has seeped into the church. That's that for now. My thoughts of course, as always, are incomplete.
Additionally, my heart has been weighed down with a darkness I don't fully understand. the world weighs heavily on me. My career choice does not help with this struggle. (I long to be free of it, to live an innocent life of trees and grass quiet waters and goodness) I take in so much ugliness and badness and sadness at work. It cannot all be processed during the work week. It follows me home--clinging to me like a shadow. It is there behind every interaction with my husband, my family, the people I meet in the community. I feel constantly judged at work. Constantly watched as if people are looking to jump on the smallest errors- as if my job is always in jeopardy. (such deep grief and sadness all the time everywhere--disturbing people so given over to evil and madness-- so many lost, so many hopeless-- so much pride, so much anger)
Apart from the clinging darkness of the world there is the strain of life. My husband again struggles with a medical condition that keeps him from working for an unknown amount of time. We hope for an office position to open, but there is no guarantee that he would be hired for it even if it opened. He still has a job -don't worry- that is not in jeopardy at this time- he just isn't earning a paycheck until this issue is resolved. This up/down of working is a continual (it happens once or twice nearly every year for a month or more at a time) strain on our budget. My income has been greatly reduced due to paying off a loan that we had to get when he had his back surgery (hey it will be paid off in five years--is that an encouraging thought--no not really). There is no flex in our budget. Getting food on the table, clothing on our bodies and every other little cost that comes up is my responsibility. I am the one that makes that happen (or not). There are all the things I should do (or would like to do)... PTA, community services, meals for people who need to know that we care. While I know that it is not feasible to be all things to all people I still feel like I should be. The lingering darkness of work makes all of these things seem so much more profound - so much more significant than their reality.
I worry about my child--about the fragility of self-esteem. I have worked very hard to lay a foundation that she can base her confidence on and yet I know how mine was ripped away by kids that I went to school with and the world that surrounded me. I know humiliation. When she came to me in tears last week saying she was humiliated because she felt helpless my heart broke. I know such things are unavoidable. I can only hope that my response to it gives her the strength she needs and restores her self-confidence. She is such a beautiful child with a bright spirit.
I shared my faith and my hope with someone I care about this week and was met with silence. That leaves me feeling misunderstood. Not that I expected it to be well-received, but nonetheless it adds to the general disturbance of thoughts.
Again, as always, incomplete thoughts--perhaps more-so than usual because I just need to get them out--acknowledge them & own them. Do not be mistaken. I am not depressed nor am I sad. I have a beautiful life. I am thankful that I have a job when so many do not. All of these things perhaps stem from a longing for home. This world is not my home. I am just passing through...
Today is Sunday. Sleep has evaded me. I will likely cry. It is just decompressing. It is an expression of gratitude for God's lovingkindness. It is grief for a world that is not as it should be. Grief for people who stumble along life's path without the Hope and Peace that only Faith can bring. It is what it is and I guess that is okay.
